The hollow space within my heart; the irking emptiness, at times compels me to rethink – “Is it really an arcane form of LONELINESS or I have lost myself in the DARK”
Have I became a Selenophile or a nocturnal animal? Am I doing it consciously or I have developed a rare disease? The billows of sheer confusion had engulfed me, and there is no answer in the view, not even in the distant.
It was half past twelve midnight. While loitering on a neatly paved footpath off a lonely road lined up with shady trees & bushes, surrounded by the absolute silence stemmed from the dark, staring here and there sometimes at the celestial ceiling studded with umpteenth numbers of stars, my eyes fell on a beautiful girl who was standing across the road near a streetlight slightly away from the bus stop, alone, confident, and clad with a green shimmering slim-fitting skirt and a loose white top embroidered with heavy but gaudy work round the neck. Her perfect lissome frame, long straight hair, a glossy black clutch in her hand, and accentuated eyes riveted my attention. I reluctantly came to a standstill, and was unable to take my eyes off her. In the first instance, I thought she was waiting for someone; but I was wondering – “How can the kind lord make such a beautiful girl waiting midnight on a lonely highway and for whom?”
Thoughts brimmed over, and I continued to stare. The bushes on divider were acting as a deterrent and marring the joy of beholding beauty but I somehow managed to frame the view in full. I would have dribbled, if she had not noticed me staring at her for a few more secs. Even when she had caught me staring at her, I couldn’t avert my eyes. It was really embarrassing but I had grown shameless in the heat of moment.
In the following moment, she looked both side of the road cautiously, and then shot a dearly look at me, and winked. I was utterly shocked, agape. I couldn’t believe my eyes, my senses went numb immediately. I was unable to make out – what was that, continued to gawk. Then she opened up abruptly – “Lets lay entwined only for a thousand rupees”. Her annoyingly coarse and manly pitch hit me as an unbearable shockwave. Immediately my poor mind nudged – “never go by your senses as they are deceitful which never let you see through anything. It’s a mantrap. She is not a girl, It’s a Drag Queen, though beautiful.” Knowing that I was hoodwinked mercilessly; I vamoosed immediately from there to nowhere.
Slowly with time, I developed apathy towards such incidents as I began to witness them every now and then. I came across a whole lot of people at nights, wandering aimlessly, sometimes wearing glitz, sometime they look straight, sometimes they reveal their intentions outright, sometimes they wrap it with nice words and then deliver, some are professionals, some are naïve but blown away by harmonical surge. All kind of creature with same intention but different façade.
Those who have fear of night in their heart, they are easily recognized, they always walk with a brisk gait without peeping here and there.
It was a time when the dead of inimitable nights began to tempt me into late-night wandering along with the ashpalted wide but lonely roads of a sprawling concrete jungle called “Delhi”. A city where all sort of occurrences take place on daily basis; from the birth of thousands of naïve souls to becoming a victim of something heinous. Most of the events bring about at night, but I do not know how and when I turned indifferent to fear.
Given to the perfection of galaxial geometry; the darkness befalls once in every 24 hours only to affect me otherwise. Usually people shut themselves behind the doors of their shelters when it gets dark, but every night a longing to dissolve into gloom overwhelms me. A kind of inexplicable curiosity takes me over and set me out to go nowhere.
The same highways, alleys, and lanes, full of dirt, polluted air, and endless trails of traffic which I dodged in hurry to go to my workplace and other destinations in sunshine appears strangely absorbing in the dead of night. Even a rusty lamppost at the end of my street, muddled with countless electric wires looks exotic in moonshine.
The way I began to chance upon the things; I believed that the luster of night has a lot to reveal and I must continue the journey. In passing, I couldn’t believe how drastically the moon and the stars, the dreary dark, and everything about the night I had been wandering at has changed a lot about me. A new sense of perceiving everything has been instilled. Though the anxiety running through my body was inexorable, I had turned unresponsive (not insensitive) towards everything unless it is dire necessary.
It so happened one night when I stretched my aimless journey little farther than usual, and accidently I happened to see one of my colleagues with the group of that beautiful Drag Queen in the same gesture and posture. He was not there as a client, he was a very part of the group.
For the first time, I realized that it is quite challenging to know one’s true nature. A single piece of life may have many folds and which one is true we do not know. To clear the dilemma, I ended to accept the fact – painting life with different shades is also an art, and it’s beyond the reach of ordinary people. Doesn’t matter whether we welcome something or not, but it’s really there in existence, right in front of our eyes.
I don’t know where the dead of night would take me, the destination is nowhere in the view but I don’t want to disassociate.